I'm sorry for every hurt that i've caused.
I'm sorry for every misunderstanding i created.
I'm sorry for every emotional moment i started.
You're the best thing that's happened to me.
I don't ever want you to leave.
I don't ever want to live a single day without you in my life.
Don't give up on me, because i'm not going to give up on you anymore.
Let's look forward to the future, and chase our dreams together.
You, Me, we'll make it right.
Wearing your heart on my sleeve:)
Saturday, February 11, 2012 || 9:10 PM
Make me strong.
Strong enough to overcome these emotions.
Strong enough to stand up on my own.
Strong enough to live my life for me.
Not anything else, not anyone else.
Monday, January 9, 2012 || 1:57 PM
Sem 2 has officially started :)
Today was the first day of school, and well, it sure was short. Only had a 10-12pm NM lecture.
So far, my timetable's looking good! I sure hope i get the tutorial slots i bided for :)
Shifted back to my lovely room full of hearts in Kent Ridge Hall yesterday night. My family and i sure had a horrible time trying to clean out those dust bunnies! But i'm glad things have settled down, and my room's sparkly clean now :) So happy to be back in my room again :) I'm sure going to miss my family again, but yeah, the weekends are not that far i guess!
It's the Inter Hall Games (IHG) season now. And yeah, things sure are heating up in KR. Can't wait. It's good to be back. Back to my wonderful KR family :)
Until then,
have a good first week of school y'all.
Oh, and good luck to those getting back their O level results!
Saturday, January 7, 2012 || 4:24 AM
There are moments where you lie wide awake at night, and wish time would pass real quickly so that morning would come.
There are also moments where something that happened in the past causes a part of you to feel insecure at times. And maybe that's why you get too paranoid at times. Not because you dont have faith in that person, but because you're afraid.
Afraid of change.
Thursday, January 5, 2012 || 10:04 PM
Year 2011 was a pretty good year for me.
It was a year of many beautiful experiences which i hold dear to my heart.
The first half of the year was defined by my job as a teacher at Saint Andrew's.
Day after day, i'd wake up in the morning feeling so excited to see my boys again, and how a brand new day at school would be like. Each day was marked by a different experience altogether. Night after night, i'd lay in bed, feet and throat all tired from teaching, but joyful. I would say that i was truly joyful then. I know there were many times where i was very emotionally affected by certain events that occurred, such as the harsh treatment of the classmates against an evidently innocent autistic kid, or the constant refusal to corporate by certain boys, but i'm glad things turned out alright in the end. I remember how i was fighting hard against my tears on my last day of work, and how i simply broke down when the class came together to surprise me with a pizza party contributed by their own pocket money. I remember how little boy Wesley hugged me tight and told me to never leave him. I remember Kaiden saying "Who's going to help me now that you're leaving?" I remember this silly Hua Jing making a card for me, but was so shy to give it to me at first. It said "You are the best teacher i ever had." So many beautiful moments, i remember. And i'll hold them close to my heart. Study well boys, and make Miss Heng proud. I love each and every one of you, and i'll always believe in you.
The second half of the year was defined by University, Kent Ridge Hall, and You.
The time had come where my long holidays had to end, and i soon realise that i was an undergraduate. This season was marked by a sudden flood of responsibilities now that i was away from home, now that i was in university. Kent Ridge Hall has been the best decision i ever made so far, and i really can't imagine how university life would be like without KR. The family i found here is irreplaceable. The experience of KR has been incredible so far and i'd do anything to have it all over again. I can't wait to see how sem 2 will be like :)
The best thing that happened to me in 2011 was having met you.
You're amazing, you're a gem. 6 months ago, i told you that. Now 6 months later, my stand still stays. You're amazing, you're a gem. They may not have cherished you in the past, but i'm not them. I'm definitely holding on tightly to you.
The moments i had with you, i'm gonna hold them close to my heart. I hope you will too. Someday, we'll be together. Someday, we'll have our story to tell. I wish, i wish upon every star there is out there. I hope, with every hope there is that the sun will rise tomorrow.
I'll say it now:
I love you bear. I love you with every bit of my heart.
2011 was a year of change for me, in almost every aspect in my life: Love. Home. School. Self.
I remember there were moments where i simply broke down, because i couldn't keep up with the changes that were taking place in my life. But yet im glad i held on tightly to the person that i was. And somehow, manage to turn these changes into a good one in the end. I would definitely say that i've grown as a person, and it's something i'm proud of.
In 2011, i also realised who my true friends were.
Friends who never fail to be there for you, who will never ever judge you. Friends who will be able to take all your shit, and still believe in every bit of hope there's left in you. Friends who will make you laugh at the saddest moments. Friends who make you so happy, you just cry because you are so, so grateful for them in your life. Friends who grow up with you, and go through every moment with you.
Javre, thank you.
2012 will be a better year, i know so.
2012: You'll be amazing.
Friday, December 16, 2011 || 6:43 PM
Hey there all you lovely people :)
It's been a million years since i updated my blog, haha.
But i would have to admit- Life's been pretty awesome :)
December's been such a joy so far, and i simply can't wait for Christmas. It's going to be wonderful.
Ever since the semester ended, i've been having non-stop fun. It's great being finally able to meet and catch up with the people i love and have missed :) Oh, and i've been eating lots of yummy yummy food. Mmm.
Unfortunately, i have been pretty sick this whole week. Gastric flu has been quite cruel to me, but i'm glad i'm getting better already. I'll be off to Bintan in two days, so i guess that will be the perfect getaway for me after such a horrible week in bed.
Until then,
may y'all enjoy your christmas shopping :)
Santa Claus's coming to town, let's make sure we won't miss him this time.
Friday, November 4, 2011 || 1:42 AM
Hello November,
you're back again. I'm not sure how you're going to be like this year, but for the past few years, you've been real dramatic on me. You brought grief, loss, bondages, and even death. Yet, you're still my favourite month. Because you remind me of how much i've been through, and how much of a different person i am now.
I know it's only been four days, but i hope you'll be kinder to be this time. I dont think i can take another blow. 6 years is enough.
This year, i want to make sure November's worth it.
Let's start by working hard for Finals :)
Saturday, October 15, 2011 || 7:05 PM
I've been an emotional wreck this whole week.
And i've made many silly decisions which i'm not proud of.
But i'm glad to say that i've got a hold of myself, and i'm feeling much, much better.
Thank you.
Thank you for being there when i almost lost myself.
Thank you for reminding me of my dreams.
You're someone i might actually love one day.
We'll let time tell.
But for now, I appreciate these simple moments. I really do.
Thursday, October 13, 2011 || 9:51 PM
Don't ask me why not.
You were the one who didn't cherish me 5 years ago, and you know what?
I've moved on.
I don't care if you haven't, and i don't care if you're breaking.
The fact is, you broke me once. And you cut me deep.
And all these years, i've been trying to mend whatever's left of my heart.
And i've been surviving, well without you.
So don't you dare ask me why not.
Because it's impossible. I will never walk down that path again.
Unlike you, i have my dreams.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011 || 3:16 AM
Family, i miss you.
Somehow, i've been real home sick this week. Despite the fact that i just met them for dinner two days ago, i still feel that it's been ages since they were here with me. Just got off the phone with mummy, and it was nice to know that everyone's doing well at home. It was nice listening to Sam and Eden pray for me.
"Dear God, help da jie to do well in school. In Jesus's name we pray, Amen." (Eden)
"Dear God, please take care of da jie because she is living alone. Make her safe from all the bad guys and make her happy. Amen" (Sam)
After i hung up, i just can't help but cry.
How i wish i could be there to give them a hug. How i wish i could be there to give Sam a kiss for scoring full marks for his spelling. How i wish i could be there to tell daddy that i'm glad he made it through another day in his shop. How i wish i could support Joycelyn and tell her how proud i am of her for studying so hard. How i wish i could play with Eden's hair and choose pretty dresses for her. How i wish i could laugh and wiggle my nose with my mother. How i wish i could be there to play caron with my family. How i wish i was there to have a cup of fruit juice with my family, like we always do.
I'll be back soon. Only 2 days more.
For now, pictures will keep me going.
For now, pictures will do.
Sunday, September 25, 2011 || 7:43 PM
Been busy mugging for mid terms.
Can't believe it's the end of recess week already :(
This week's going to be a long, long week.
I'm weak. I'm only human.
but You are strong.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011 || 3:04 AM
It's 2.42am and i'm awake.
I've been trying to sleep since two hours ago, but this insomnia seems to be acting up on me again.
Somehow, it's thoughts that's been keeping me awake this time, not nightmares. Thoughts which make me feel so afraid.
Keep hardening your heart, Elaine.
Don't love. Don't expect anything.
Or he'll walk away.
Truth is, I can't harden my heart.
I can't do all these things without feeling, without commitment, without love.
I treasure myself too much.
It takes two hands to clap.
And it hurts to be clapping alone.
Cause at the end of the day, you realise that you are just fooling yourself. Thinking that he might actually clap back.
Cause at the end of the day, you just end up feeling cheap and used.
Yet somehow, i really want to keep clapping :(
I really want to love and care for you :(
If only you'd feel the same way.
If only you'd take the first step for once.
One day i'll find a man who will clap back. And make music with me.
One day i'll find a man who will love me tenderly. Who will allow my heart to melt, not tell me to harden it.
One day i'll find a man who i can spend forever with, knowing that i mean the world to him and that i'm a gem.
For now, i'll be who i am.
Free, beautiful, and priceless.
Thursday, September 15, 2011 || 1:52 AM
It's times like this where i realize how much you mean to me,
and how little i am without you.
Saturday, September 10, 2011 || 2:36 AM
I can't really find the right words to tell you how i feel right now. But i shall attempt to share with you my heart, and i hope it might encourage you :)
How does it feel like to love someone?
How does it feel like to have somebody love you?
Deep down inside, we all yearn to be loved and accepted. We all yearn to be cared for and treasured. It's beautiful- how love can be such a powerful, powerful feeling. It brings joy, it draws people together. It somehow makes one feel whole, and complete.
It's heartbreaking.
Heartbreaking to see how many of us try so hard to find love. So hard that we lose ourselves in the process. So hard that we lose every bit of love that we had within us in the first place. I've heard of so many stories, and witness some myself, of how people start hating themselves because they feel that there is not one person in this world who loves them. And it makes me sad :(
To be honest, i've been through such a phase, and that's why i can't help but voice out what i truly feel in my heart. Because i know there are many of you out there who do feel this way as well. And i really do want you to know that it's not your fault for feeling this way.
Insecurity- it kills us all. It's scary how quick a person can fall just because of one word. Being judged is a frightening feeling, a feeling we all try to avoid. And that's why we try. We try so hard to fit in, to be like others. Just to be accepted. Just to be loved. I used to be very concerned about what people thought of me. And i'd hate myself for being so imperfect.
But you know what? I've realised that changing the way you look, the way you behave, the way you are does not help you gain love. Doing that only draws the little bit of love that's left in you. Love is not found from being that perfect person that everyone adores. At the end of the day, the whole world may adore you, but you'd never be happy if you don't love yourself.
Instead, love comes from loving. I think. Loving others, and loving yourself.
When you've learnt to stop looking at yourself and focus on others, you realise how much love there is you can give to others. And when you give of yourself to others, you realise how much joy there is in loving someone. And soon you'll see that that's really what love is all about- Unconditional, giving, enduring, and accepting.
Will you love today?
p.s No matter what, there is always someone out there who loves you. I know so :)
Sunday, August 28, 2011 || 10:41 PM
Just finished supper with D block :)
Our Resident Fellow (RF) bought pizza, nuggets and ice cream for us :) yum yum :)
School has been rather stressful lately :/ Time seems to pass by so quickly in university. I've been dashing through my days, and it's been long since i took a moment to appreciate the beauty of a brand new day.
And as i lay in bed this morning, i looked up to my ceiling (which is now filled with hearts. Thank you Gab :) Yay) , and i realised how blessed i am to be where i am today. Still alive, still breathing, still pressing hard towards my dreams. And that's when i smiled. Not because life's perfect, but because it's a brand new day. A brand new day to make best of what i have.
hey honey, how have you been?
i know life's getting tough now that this season has started.
but don't give up, don't break down
i'll be here for you- because i'm with you.
Thursday, August 25, 2011 || 2:02 AM
When i saw you today, i smiled.
Monday, August 22, 2011 || 12:43 AM
Sometimes, we get reminded.
Reminded of the scars which we were once afflicted with.
Sometimes, we get encounters.
Encounters which digs out the hurt we tried to bury a long time ago.
These few days have been a whirlwind for me. I've been having nightmares, and sleepless nights.
Is it ever possible to bury our sorrow? Is it ever possible to erase the events that happened before? Is it ever possible to get rid of the scars that are embedded deep within our hearts?
I've realised.
It's not about burying our sorrow. We can spend years digging the deepest hole, to bury a broken toy. But you know what? The broken toy is still there. It's still out there somewhere, deep- but still there.
It's not about erasing the events that happened in the past. When you try to erase pencil marks, the pencil marks may be gone. But hey, there's still eraser dust. There will always be remains of the past.
There was once a house. It had a dark basement, which a little girl was so afraid of. She'd avoid the basement at all cost, and would close her eyes each time she walked past the basement. Because it was an old house, the planks used for flooring tend to have gaps. Every once in awhile, the girl would accidentally open her eyes. And she would see the darkness of the basement through the gaps. Fear would grip her, and she'd cry for nights.
One day, her dad decided to help her overcome her fear. He held her hand and went into the basement with her. The girl was frightened. She'd cry and grab her father's hand so tightly. Day after day, her dad would bring her to the basement and walk her through it. Slowly, the girl realised that the basement was nothing to afraid of. After awhile, she wasn't afraid anymore.
The basement was still there, but she could walk through it alone, and come out unafraid.
.
.
.
Its about facing these events. Dealing with the sorrow, and accepting what has happened. And move on. The events will always be there, and we'd still look into the gaps of the floor once in awhile, but this time it's different. Because we are no longer afraid- it no longer hurts.
It's not about getting rid of the scars that are embedded deep within our hearts.
Scars make us stronger. Scars remind us of what we have been through, and how we are still alive and breathing. Scars are a mark of a warrior- brave and strong. Still conquering, still fighting.
Friday, August 19, 2011 || 12:39 AM
What's up guys, i'm back :)
Summer has ended, and it's back to school. My days have been pretty happening these few weeks due to the big hooha of being a freshman. Bidding of modules, tutorials, getting lost around school, taking wrong buses, trying out all the different canteens in NUS, being able to actually wear home clothes to school, oh, and omg laptops in lectures?- yea, everything seems new and foreign.
Anyway, KR (the hall which i'm living in now) has been pretty awesome :) My days are never boring :) With the inter-block games around the corner, everyone's been having a whole lot of fun playing sports such as Floorball and Volleyball :) It's nice living with your friends because you can "jio" them do play anytime, and yes, literally anytime. Playing sports at 12am seems like a norm now. Haha! (Yay i used the word "jio"! I just learnt it) Well, i'm glad to be in the KR family :)
